Taking “Me” Time
Recognizing the importance of solitude
—By Olivia Meyers
Everyone knows me as an extrovert. I get energy from surrounding myself with friends, and I rarely say no to an outing to a new restaurant or to an opportunity to socialize. I’ve followed this pattern since my freshman year, seizing every chance to hang out with friends, often to the point of exhaustion.
It was not until senior year that I had the confidence and personal insight to even question why I felt compelled to say yes to every invitation and to orchestrate events even when I sensed I was on overload. Saying no can be very scary, and it has taken me until only recent to fully realize that there is no rulebook that specifies how much to socialize. What is right for me on a particular day is what is right for me. In our high-tech, digitalized world, I often feel assaulted by too much of everything– information as well as expectations. Sometimes, I just need to recharge my battery.
The first thing I used to do in the morning was check my cell phone. It was a reflex response to how technology has inserted itself into all our lives. I felt compelled to respond to text messages and emails, almost immediately drawing myself into the stress of making myself available and feeling caught up, even at the expense of my emotional health. Because of my busy schedule and my over-extended to-do list, I was never able to embrace how to live in the moment.
It wasn’t until this past December when I went on vacation with my family to Japan. The fourteen-hour time difference made it more difficult to stay connected with my friends back home, and I welcomed the chance to go to sleep without the usual interactions. The experience was a turning point in how I saw my relationship with technology, and I knew it was time for a change.
Dr. Sheri Szuch, a therapist and licensed clinical psychologist born and raised in Michigan, has been practicing for over thirty years and specializes in mood and self-esteem. Having the opportunity to speak with hundreds of UM students in the past twenty years, she does her best to provide unique methods of dealing with stress and anxiety for each individual. Sheri admits, however, that she continues to learn to cope with her own stresses differently each decade. In her college years, she recognized that she did not have a proper balance. Sheri studied too much, and nonetheless got into therapy as an outlet. While her wisdom as a therapist has taught her how to better balance her schedule and figure out what is important, “it’s been a process.” In addition to walking and swimming, Sheri enjoys the release of playing the piano because it puts her mind at ease. Stemming from her inability to play well as a child, Sheri’s most effective way to detach from the fast paced world is through animal therapy– she cherish’s her shih tzu, Mr. Markley, and often has him around during sessions. Given the undeniable pressures of college and self-esteem issues that most battle with, Sheri stresses the importance of recognizing true friendship. Students often get caught up trying to please everyone at risk of their own self-esteem. While emphasizing the importance of genuine alone time, Sheri also wants people to recognize and do more of what they feel good about.
For Julia Kaplan, a sophomore living in her sorority house, finding ways to disconnect are a bit more challenging. Although she considers herself a social extrovert, Julia admits there is no escaping the fact that there are an additional 50 girls living under her same roof. While second semester has given her a better sense of how she can best cope with her stresses, the only time when Julia is alone with her thoughts is on her walks to and from classes. Even as a girl who is “made to live in a sorority house,” there are countless times where she feels the exhaustion of socializing. She considers herself lucky to share a room with one of her best friends who is very much on her same page. Living in such close quarters, she finds “respect and consideration two of the most important attributes.” “I can’t tell you the amount of times me and my roommate sit on our own beds with our headphones in. Wow, saying it out loud sounds odd, but it works for us and we never question our friendship because of it. In order for me to be the best version of myself, I recognize that coexisting is crucial to not be trapped with negative energy.” Julia’s positive outlook and efforts to balance her multidimensional sophomore year have given her the calm she needs to stay on track.
Phyllis Schieber, a writing teacher and published author of The Manicurist (2011) and The Sinner’s Guide to Confession (2008), has always considered herself an introvert. She believes that in the modern Western world, introverts are undervalued. Schieber feels overwhelmed when there is too much external stimulation, and as a writer, she must have a quiet environment, free from distraction. When she is working on a project, she often feels drained by the process. Unlike an extrovert, however, who typically seek social interaction to distract from the solitude, Schieber prefers additional quiet time. In fact, she keeps her social engagements to a limit because, as she expressed, finds them“exhausting.” Adulthood and the wisdom of age made it possible for her to communicate her need for solitude to others in a way they could understand without taking offense. While she understands the importance of friendship and has treasured friends, she welcomes their love and the absence of judgement. She is never genuinely lonely, feeling comfortable with herself and her solitude. Most recently, she spoke to a book club of ten women in New York. The following day, she emailed the members, thanking them for their interest. The club’s moderator replied, noting that, “Phyllis is like mountain shrouded in fog, we only get to see the tip.” She finds it best to be honest about her reluctance to socialize and never apologizes for her solitary existence.
According to a 2017 Forbes article, solitude is not only highly underrated, but a necessity for a healthy life. Although we are social creatures and need strong connections with others, solitude may be just as important to our emotional health. Studies show the ability to tolerate alone time has the following benefits:
1. Alone time increases empathy.
2. Solitude increases productivity.
3. Solitude sparks creativity.
4. Being alone can help you build mental strength.
5. Solitude may reduce behavior problems in children.
6. Being alone gives you an opportunity to plan your life.
7. Solitude helps you know yourself.
Being alone helps you become more comfortable in your own skin. When you’re by yourself, you can make choices without the pressure of outside influences. And that will help you develop more insight into who you are as a person. The bombardment of social media along with the trend of #FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) is a constant upward battle for today’s youth who feel pressured to be present at every social gathering, regardless of how much time these activities demand. The benefits of solitude are often overlooked because we live in a culture where young people feel compelled to publicize all their social events as testimony of their popularity. Solitude is rarely, if ever, promoted as a desirable choice. Perhaps, since there is no way to really change the fast-paced world we inhabit, we need to create an environment for ourselves that allows us to slow down, to disconnect, and to be fully present without the intrusion of technology or company.
I have found small ways to access quiet time in my daily routines. I now sleep with my phone on Airplane Mode, giving me the ability to disconnect and then choose when I want to enter back. Another way I benefit is by wearing my headphones as I walk to the market. I have different playlists to match my moods. My standard walking playlist includes John Mayer and Frank Ocean. If I am in need of something more meditative, however, I might listen to different forms of white noise, like ocean waves or rain. I also find running an excellent way to clear my head and give me the coveted runner’s high. While I often feel trapped by my devotion to my outgoing lifestyle, the way in which I now experience time has freed me from this conundrum. As I continue to explore new ways to cope with daily stresses, I am always open to additional organic outlets. In our current digitally mediated world, we all need tools to quiet our minds.
Feature Photo by Olivia Meyers